Thursday, March 04, 2004
QUICK!! CALL THE GUARDS!!
*Sighs* This will be quick. I am really tired and ready to go flop down in my bed and go to sleep. Plus my friends b-day party is tomorrow.. *Sighs* Might die tomorrow night...lol.. Will be fun though. Anyways found a place to take Martial arts!! HOORAY!! Now I can kick ppl's butts for the heck of it. OOO...Did a very mean thing today... hehehehe... Told Claire about the whole Dustin being a pain and being immature thing.. By like running by me and things.. HAHAHAHAHA Is very funny.. Anyways. Well she was like... LETS STALK HIM!! So we did.. Since he already thinks that I am Stalking him. Why not do it anyways? It was funny as crap. He got all paraniod. Claire and me got a HUGE kick out of it. We were laughing so hard. We kept trying not to laugh. HAHAHA!! We are evil... But he is getting on my nerves quite a bit. I don't like immature ppl. And he is bringing this 'pon hisself. Acting like a weirdo around me.. Guess it is his way of being "comfortable" Around me. But it makes him look stupid.. *Snickers* And I have found out lots of DIRTY.. things about him. *shivers* NASTY.. You don't wanna know... TRUST ME.. Anyways.. I am starting to talk about him again.. But I thought I should share with my lovely veiwers...Which are none. About how happy my day was... HEHEHEHEHE... It was great fun. I am "pure evil" As someone called me once. Have to give no hints on who did that.......... Anyways. I will be going now.. I am dying from sleep exhustion and plus.... I have to stay up ALL NIGHT AT CLAIRES!! BY MYSELF!! Cause no one else can keep up with the MASTER! Course I am an Insomniac..... -_- Sad I know. Oh well.. This was short for me... HEHEHEHE.. Anyways. Oyasumi (night)
Posted at 3/4/2004 9:59:14 pm by Kaoru23
Sunday, February 22, 2004
Okay here I am once again... Long time no post!! Hehehe been neglecting posting. Anyways. Got brand new PC. Is great and fast and speedy and I'm losing weight soon!! YAY!! Every girls dream ne? Anyways. Starting track on monday... ^_^; Not sure what I am doing yet.. I am going to die from exhustion though. Oh well!! Doesn't matter much. And I am going to call my horse trainer Scarlett today and I am going to start riding again on the weekends.. HOORAY!! Get to see all the horses. Haven't ridden in forever.. Haven't ridden since school began. She is going to be PO at me. Oh well. She'll get over it. But 2003 was really hectic for me. My grandfather died and my Grandmother isn't doing well and I had swim team and my parents work has been busy. But I've decided it is time for a change. I need to get in shape and I want to change everything about me. But truth betold I have changed a WHOLE BUNCH! I've become really nice. And I've been having fun hanging out with my friends. I find myself cheering everyone up. It's what I am good at and will always be good at. Putting others before myself has always been my nature. I can't seem to help it. Plus it makes me happy to see others happy. Can't stand when people suffer. I always seem to blame myself for not being able to help. Oh well. Anyways... Drawing has become my life. Every waking moment I just want to draw. I don't really like sitting around and watching TV as much anymore. I just want to sit around and draw. Which is a plus. I drew Lisa, Brandy, Erica, and me in this one picture. Lisa and I are dancing up on stage. Lisa with a guitar and I have some drum sticks. And Lisa has on this Trench coat with fur on it. And Brandy is standing beside the stage sighing thinking how much we are idiots. And Erica is just like HUH?? It's great. Then I have Brandy, Lisa and me in western wear. I am enjoying it. Brandy is hating it and Lisa is just like uhhh.. How did I let u drag me into this. I am also working on a manga. All I have is the first page... -^_^- hehehe. Oh and I keep adding guys to my hott guy list. AND NONE OF THEM ARE REAL!! GAH!! I am such a freak.. Oh well. IT'S FUN!!! And I enjoy being strange. Make ppl laugh when I do things out of the ordinairy. Plus I am strong willed and let nothing get me down. Not even idiotic guys. Oh yeah that reminds me. My lab partner wants me to go out with this guy in our class.. Alex.... *Makes face* NEVER!! I shall never go out with him. Or anyone else for that matter. I've had my fill of guys. They are idiots. Well most of them. Course 2 of my best friends are guys. Nam Phan who is like my brother. We talk all the time. He is my "Husband" We have great fun. He called me the Domamatrix the other day. Was in my leather jacket holding a branch that was really skinny and I was standing there like I was holding a whip. LMAO!! It was great. Then we have sword fights all the time too. And then there is Marc. He is great. We have a long story that I won't bore you with. But the short and sweet one is. Last year he went out with my Best friend. He dumped her. or She dumped him... Anyways. I stayed friends with him. Abbye and Claire kept telling me to stop being friends with him. So I did and we got in this huge arguement.. Well kinda... And then this year we became friends again.. How idk.. *shakes head* But now I am a totally different person. Course I still have that really cold side where I can just shut ppl out without even caring. When I don't want to care about anything I do it. I do it sometimes when I am drawing. I just go into my own little world. Where everyone is HOTT!! YAY!! OOo this has been a really long post.. -^_^- gomen gomen!! GAH!! OH YEAH!! I am going to be a Junior next year!!! * dances around* I am taking Japanese too!! YAY!! And Anatomy!! Will help me with my drawing or so I hope. But I think all I just wrote is really selfish.. * Sighs * But hey I am only human!! And I am only selfish over little things.. Like men.. Anyways. I will go so I don't bore you anymore.. I will put up all the men I have come to love in Anime.
Really hott men that are mine!!:
HOORAY!! They are mine so back off!!! ^_^
P.s. Oh and am going to take some sort of Martial arts once I find a good place to go!!!
Posted at 2/22/2004 5:13:51 am by Kaoru23
Thursday, January 15, 2004
HYPER!!! HYPER!!! HYPER!!!!
DUN DUN DUN DUN!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DUNGEONS AND DRAGONS!! SATAN'S GAME!!!!!!!!!! MWHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA!!!!!!!! Sorry... Am hyper... Thanks to Dustin he gave me great thing called Dugeons and Dragons by Dr. Demento!! It's funny....... Hehehehehehehehehe... Awwwwwww Erica started crying tonight... Was helping her out. Love her to death. And Nathan was being a nerd as always. We were arguging over who helped Erica out the most!!! Mwhahaha..Will put the whole convo. up of Dungeons and Dragons if can find them.. ^_^ YAY!!!!!!! Am soooo hyper... Must calm down.. HAHA DID MY 80S DANCING!! It was great. Me and My sister where giving my mom a preview when she was here. Then I gave one to Brandy and them tonight. Because none of them could dance. It's like 'I've never danced before so here goes' They all run in and start throwing themselves around. It was great. Cracked everyone up. Am very good at cheering people up. Even if I am myself in deep poo. Hahaha anyways. Scott gave very very good speech tonight. Made Erica cry... GAVE HER BIG HUG!! And danced..lol. And was skipping around singing and such. Was very hyper. Okay just spent last 20 mins. copying down the whole thing of Dungeons and Dragons because I couldn't find it...Here goes!!!
Dugeons and Dragons. Satan's game! Your Childern like it or not are attracted in their weaker years to the acult and a game like D&D fuels their imagination and makes them feel special while drawing them deeper and deeper into the bowels of El Diablo. This afternoon at Dead Elwives watchtower. Invites you to sit in on an Actual Gaming session. Observe the previosly unobersvible as a hidden camera takes you to the inner sanktum of Dungeons and Dragons!!
Gale Staff, you have no entered the door to the North. You are now by yourself staning in a dark room. The pungeunt stench of Mildew eminates off the wet dungeon walls.
Where are the Cheetos!??!
There right next to you!
I wanna cast a spell!!!
Wheres the Mountian Dew??
In the fridge!! DUH!!!!!
I wanna cast a spell!
Can I have a Mountian Dew?!?
YES!!! You can have a Mountain dew just go get it!
I can cast any of these right? On the list?
Yes...Any..any of the first leve ones.
I'm gonna get a Soda does anyone want one? Hey Gram!! I'm not in the room right?
I wanna cast Magic Missile
The Room where he's casting these spells from!
He hasn't cast anything yet!
I am though if you'd listen! I am casting Magic missile!
Why are you casting Magic missile? There is nothing to attack here!
I...I am attacking the darkness
Fine..Fine you attack the darkness. There's an elf infront of you.
WHOA! That's me right?
He's wearing a brown tunic and has grey hair and blue eyes.
No I don't I have grey eyes.
Let me see that sheet
Well it says I have blue but I decided I wanted Grey eyes.
Whatever okay. You guys can talk to each other now if you want.
I am Gale staff Sorcerer of Light!
Then how come you had to cast magic missile?
You guys are being attacked!
Do I see that happening?
No! Your outside the tavern!
COOL I get drunk
Uh...There are seven ogres surrounding you
How could they surround us? I had mortin kidens Magical watchdog cast.
No you didn't
I am getting drink! Are there any girls there?
I totally did. You asked me if I wanted any equitment before this adventure and i said that No but I need material components for all my spells so I cast Mortins Kidens faithful watchdog.
But you never acutally cast it!
Roll the dice to see if I am getting drunk!
UH! * Rolls dices * Yeah you are!!
Are there any girls there?
I did though! I completly said when you asked me!
No u didn't! U didn't acutally say that u were casting the spells so now theres ogres okay!
OGRES!! Man I got an ogre slaying knife. It's got +9 against ogres.
Your not there your getting drunk!
Okay but if there are any girls there I wanna do them!!
There you have it. A frighting look into americas most frighting past time. Remember that's it's not your childerns fault that there being drawn into a satanic world full of nightmare! It's the gym teachers fault for making them feel out cast when they couldn't do one single pull-up!!
THERE YOU HAVE IT FOLKS!! Must be going to bed!! Have a good life everyone..lmao
Posted at 1/15/2004 12:34:55 pm by Kaoru23
Wednesday, January 14, 2004
YAY!!! Life goes on and on and on and on!!!
Okay! I am already sounding like a Cheerleader!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! Acutally had chocolate... Hot chocolate!!! Mwhahahahahaha!!! Someone slap me... QUICK!! AHHHH CAPS!!!! * coughs * Sorry... Will calm down and breathe........ hehehehehe... Been watching Kenshin ever since I got home. He is soooo hott.. Or Kawaii depends on what he is doing....................................... ^_^ Okay anyways. My current feelings toward my Ex... * shrugs * Still love him but HEY!! life goes on and so do I! Plus God is helping me. Been reading the bible.. Again but that doesn't matter much. Need to brush up anyways!! Getting rusty.. Still not happy about the fact that women came from Man.... Hmph... Stupid men.. Oh well.. God had to make a rough draft before he made a master piece!! So ha!! ^_^ mwhahahahaha... Need to calm down. But the week has gone by fine so far. Had a little break down last night but other then that.. AM FINE!! YAY!!! GAH!! I just figured out how bad of a speller I am... ^_^ Bad bad bad......... Anyways lets see..... I don't have much to say. Other then I got hit in the butt today by a volleyball!! Hate games with balls... -_-' Sorry... Mind in gutter suddenly!! -^_^-OOOO And my friend thinks I should go out with this guy!! I've known him forever.. And his name is Alex.... I hate him.. But she says we make a cute couple. But he is a monkey boy I promise you!! GAH!! Will kill her tomorrow in Bio. Anyways.... Hmmm....... Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm........................ Okay hate liking Ex.. Very annoying... * Shrugs * Oh well......... Just getting on my nerves.. least I can act like a friend towards him though!! VERY FUN!! MWHAHAHAHA!! Even though I think I am scaring him.. GOOD!! He needs to be scared of ME!!!!! MWHAHAHAHAHA * chokes on Hairball* Anyways... leave you with Adam Sandler Lyrics!! LOVE STINKS!!!! YEAH YEAH!!!!! lmao.. Can't sing will shutup!!
You love her, but she loves him,
and he loves somebody else -
You just can't win.
And so it goes until the day you die.
This thing they call love,
its gonna make you cry.
I've had the blues, the reds and the pinks.
One thing's for sure...
Love stinks...yeah yeah...
Love stinks! Yeah yeah...
Love stinks! Yeah yeah...
two by two and side
love's gonna find you yes it is
you just can't hide
you'll hear it call
your heart will fall
then love will fly
it's gone that's all!
i don't care puttin a cap on those things
all i can say is...
Love stinks yea yea
Love stinks yea yea
Love stinks yea yea
Love stinks yea yea
I been through diamonds
I been through minx
I been through long
Love stinksyea yea!
Love stinks yea yea!
Love stinks yea yea...
YAY!!!!!! Love Adam Sandler!!! He's the MAN!!! Lmao... Anyways... Am bored once again... Ex doesn't know how to talk to me what else is new!!!!! * rolls eyes * He needs to think of me as a friend.. Goodness.. VERY annoying.. Anyways. Must go skip around and kill people!!! YAY!!!!!! BYE BYE!!
Love ya you guys!!!
Posted at 1/14/2004 10:07:03 am by Kaoru23
Sunday, January 11, 2004
* sigh * Last and final words perhaps???
I wanted to tell him all this stuff up front and personal. But I have a feeling he has either. A: Been grounded from the computer. B: Is avoiding me at all cost. Or c: idk.... lol... So there for.... Must call in back up and hopefully he will read this.
* Clears throat * Okay Dustin... Sit back and read.....
Yes I do still Love you. And I know you probably can't understand why. Since you pretty much squashed my feelings twice. But I am not angry and I am not mad. None the less. I still love you. My love endures. Perhaps because I have endured worse then this and still held on. There really is not point in me being angry or sad. Yeah my heart is in alot of pain but it is good pain. I just have so much love that I don't know what to do with it. Hahaha..... I know I sound sad. But I can't help it. I just love you so much. GRRRRR... I've loved you since the first time we went out. Whether I showed it or not is my fault. I am afraid. Afraid of getting hurt beyond my wildest dreams. But here I am diving head first into the rocks. Haha..... But I know that my chances are up. But I feel like I have to get all this out. To explain to you. In a least attempt to help myself. Because I know I can't change the past or what you feel. Or who you are or what you think. That is impossible and I am smarter then that to try. But if I could change the past. I would change what happened between us. I would have never made us fight that night. But now that I think about it. The reason why I fought you was because I needed you. And I didn't want myself to need you. I wanted to stay independent. But now I realize that. I did need you. I still might need you. But if I ever got another chance. I know I wouldn't mess it up. At least I would try not to..... Hahaha... But you don't like me anymore so therefore I know that my chances are gone. -_-' I messed up and I am sorry. I am sorry for being afraid and for blaming myself. I am sorry for not loving you like I should have. And I still love you. And if anything happens and you need someone to talk to. I am always here. Patient as always. So please just don't forget me or hate me for loving you. I don't think I could bare much more. And I am sure I scare you with all this and you think oh gosh a stalker. Then call me just that. I don't care. And if you are speechless then that is fine... Be speechless... And just let it roll around in your mind!!! lol.... So TTFN!!! ^_^
Posted at 1/11/2004 12:43:49 pm by Kaoru23
Friday, January 09, 2004
YAY!! Am sooooo figgin happy!!!! ^_^
YAY!!!! Been best day for the week. Maybe tomorrow will be just as nice. But who knows. Anyways. Am talking to ex now. He scared the crap out of me at first. I thought he was standing there to talk to his friend but he was like.. WAIT.. I was kinda shocked at first. Hahaha Made me so happy though and pretty much made my day. Phil scared me last night saying I might have to wait months. And it flipped me out. But my heart is soaring right now. Least we are friends now. Better then being nothing ne? But both of us aren't ready to be to huggie yet.. Well i am.. I wanted to jump on him and give him a huge hug.. lmao. But I did that to Erica instead. But I am learning patience everyday thanks to him. He's been a bigger help then he knows. I was pretty screwed up before him. But I am just so happy we are friends. Like I can't explain it. My heart is pounding and racing from my happiness. But I won't annoy him to much. Haha I don't think he can take me to much. But he doesn't know how badly I have been wanting to just talk to him. I mean.... I'm shaking right now.. lmao. But I think God did me a favor. I really do. I prayed to him last night. Longer then usual. I prayed through my tears of grief and he helped me. My dad is not mad at me anymore. I can get on the computer even though I am grounded from the phone and the T.V but that is fine for now. I will get it back on sunday. And I told God that I loved Dustin with all my heart. And allow him to at least talk to me and heal his heart. Ah!!! I love God so much. Course I hope everyone does. At least everyone should. He rocks!!!!!!! ^_^.. Anyways.. hehehe. Must get trench coat. They are so awesome. Could be in the Trenchie gang with Dustin, Brad, And Johnathon. HAHAHA!! But sure mom will object. I need a leather one... That would be the bomb. Course then I would creak. I could say it was my bones!! HAHA!! I am old I know. Speaking of things creaking. My muscles hurt. I HATE LUNGES!! They suck... The legs in my butt and thighs hurt like hell. This is the kinda time u need to get into a nice warm bath and soak. Without calling anyone!! ~.O... HAHAHA! Good times good times. GAH!! What am I going to do with Eryn. She cussed Dustin out. Course he made me laugh so hard today. He still has the charm of making people laugh. Shalt return the favor and make him laugh hard. MWHAHAHAHAHAHA...... Will go now.. Might write more. Can't contain my happiness!!! I AM JUST SO HAPPY!! GOODNESS I LOVE HIM!! He is great. He's one of my best buds also... Whether or not he knows it. So I will keep my love for him down to a friendly love. Since I know that our dating is pretty much wel....OVER... But I will know deep deep down that I truely love him more then that. And it doesn't bother me to tell him!!!!!!!!! HAHAHA
Posted at 1/9/2004 8:59:51 am by Kaoru23
Thursday, January 08, 2004
My life is going to hell. My dad was totally pissed off at me tonight. My ex still won't talk to me and probably never will. I know my friends are there for me. But I can't help but feel stranded. I still love him. And I know I always will. Whether he hates me or not. I doubt he understands that I care ALOT for him. And I will not talk to him... But it hard trying to stay away from the one you love most. I can't help it. I have always loved him. I just really can't help it. Some people say you can control who you love but you can't. They are stupid to ever say that. You can not control your emotions, your feelings. But he doesn't want to know me anymore.... And I guess that is the price I pay. The price I pay for hurting him. And I know I will remember him through the rest of my life. Not just some boy that I feel head over heels for in High school. But as Dustin. The guy that changed me forever. For good and for bad. But I don't want the love to end.. But I know on his side it has. I know he never wants to see me again. I know I have struck out once and for all. He isn't going to give me anymore chances. I have maxed out on them. But I am asking for one more chance that I know I will never get. I know he will never love me like I love him. So perhaps tomorrow I will say my farwell. I am giving up. My heart can't take much more. I love him to much.. I really really do. And I am sure he doesn't know that and he never will since he apparently hates me so much. So I am going to go.. Since my cat is oblivous to my crying.... ^_^ ha... Bye
p.s. I am debting the goodbye part. All I want to do it talk to him. And I wanna know if he will ever talk to me again. Which I have a feeling he won't. But I have hope. But only God knows what the turn out will be. So I put my fate in God. But I love God to death and I also love Dustin.... So I hope everything turns out okay and this ripping pain will end. I just want to be friend's at least. I know I myself want to be Gf and BF again but... I have hurt him to many times and.... my 2nd time was my last and I didn't prove myself.... So goodnight everyone..
Posted at 1/8/2004 11:59:39 am by Kaoru23
Wednesday, January 07, 2004
GAH!! I am so fawking pissed!!
I think someone just shot me in the heart. I swear to whoever... I really feel like that. Actually feels more like someone put my heart in a blender and turned it on. I hate guys... I swear... I do.. They do nothing but to Fawk with your fucking mind.... I hate myself for being here... I hate myself for letting myself fall for a guy.. This is exactly why I didn't want to date in high school. I knew I would get hurt.. I've been hurt enough to know not to be stupid anymore.... But here I am. I never had to tell myself I was in love with him. Not even once... I knew I was.. I could feel it.. That I was really in love.. And I knew it.. I hate myself. I do..... I played Naive... Let myself be sweeped away and happy for a little while... I knew we had fights yeah... But that was my fault. I have so many flaws and so many fears that people don't realize that the thing I am fighting is myself. I am afraid... Afraid of everything.... And I now I remember why.. I know I won't let myself get depressed... I know I won't. It's just not me. But I know I will close myself up and be cold. And this time I doubt I will come back. I'm tired of my emotions being fucked with.... It's not fun and it hurts.. But I only have to blame myself for doing this to myself.... But I get afraid... I do... I am afraid I will get hurt, I will be crushed, That I won't be loved back. So I try and draw away and close myself up. I try and hide behind something that isn't there. I fight with them to fight with myself. I am to blame... And this time it was my fault. I know I can't help what I feel. But I let myself fall in love with him. And I am an idoit for that. And I told Erica last night that I would give up anything to see him happy. and I guess I am giving up my happiness to see him happy. And if that is it then so be it.. I don't hate him... But I hate myself and I doubt I will ever forgive myself.
Posted at 1/7/2004 9:07:45 am by Kaoru23
Tuesday, January 06, 2004
Single for like 3 days I am am being hit on!!!
GAH!! Was lovely day other then the fact it was first day back at school. Blur... But then Abbye's Brother Brad was hitting on.. Not exactly what I want to see on my first day back. He looked me over and gave me an odd smile and said I wasn't annoying in the slightest... Think he was just playing be he scared the poo out of me.. I was like.. ORO? But other then that the day was okey dokey... Course had to avoid Ex.. He is still depressed and mad.. At least I think mad.. Am very worried about him. I miss him alot too. And saying a lot means very little of how much I miss him. But maybe we can be friends again. Anyways.. Highlight of my day. The 2 box Set of Kenshin episodes was confirmed.. Will be getting them soon. ^_^ Then I can watch him 24/7 in japanese of course. Hahaha Just figured out my time is on Japanese and Korean time... Throwing me completly off.. It sucks but oh well. Anyways.... Friends have been filling in the huge gap that has ripped me open. Claire is telling me I should hit him.. I told her I wasn't going to do that... I am not the cynical. Abbye said I was better off without him. Not so sure about that. Brandy is doing her best at being pissed at him.. lmao.. And Erica is just my big comforter.. I love her to death. Need to call her by the way... Shalt call her soon and go reside in my room for a little while. But Nam and DAngelo helped as well.... Nam did more comforting and DAngelo got all touchie feely... Not what I like either on my first day back......... But will be back... JA!!!!!
Posted at 1/6/2004 10:27:39 am by Kaoru23
Monday, January 05, 2004
I can't escape him. He was in my dreams last night.... I dreamt that we had just broken up.. And the reason was me but of course. And that he said he had never loved me to begin with and that he didn't like me all that much. But he would be my friend. Well at that point I woke up. I knew I had been crying. My cheeks were wet. Guess I can't escape in reality or dreams. And then the 2nd dream I had was just plain weird and scary.... Don't know what made that dream. I guess just after watching Jason X last night.. Which by the way is the most gayiest movie in the world.. But lately I seem to be remembering my dreams alot easier then usual.. It's scary. Like the night before I dreamt of School and that Nam one of my Best buds liked me. And then Me, My sister, and Her boyfriend Hart went to this guys house and it was HUGE.. And it was just strange... Idk. Maybe all the blockage of emotions is coming out through my dreams. Usually I can't remember my dreams. But tomorrow we go back to lovely High school the mini Hell. But I don't mind. I can at least see my friends. But the problem will be trying to Avoid him... I respect if he doesn't wanna talk to me.. And I will have to let him go. But enough about him. Well today will be like any other sunday. I will sit around and play video games and act bored. What else is new. But my hands have started shaking once again.. Probably Stress but the last time they started shaking was when I was sick. Don't wanna get sick again. But maybe it is lack of food. Didn't eat to much yesterday and I'm not hungry today.. Don't have any energy to eat. * Shrugs * But I will force myself to eat something. So it doesn't matter much. I would go to church tonight because I need it.. But I guess I can't because I know he doesn't wanna see me.. So I will stay home. But I will go to church on Wensday.. Nothing can keep me away from God's house for to long. But I will go now.. Perhaps to go eat perhaps to go sit around some more. But If I don't eat so sue me... But I will be back later I am sure.. Probably to spill everything else..
Posted at 1/5/2004 3:18:43 am by Kaoru23